Jumble of Emotions
My Grandmother passed away today. She was the last of my grandparents. She was a vibrant woman, full of life and always with a smile on her face.
I loved her unconditionally and I always will. That is not to say there wasn't pain. My grandma was someone who seemed more worried about what the neighbors thought and what the cousins thought than what her husband, children or grandchildren thought. Possesions were important to her and so were appearances.
I remember when Grandpa became ill and needed a walker to be able to get around. She would not permit it. She said he will have to learn to hang onto other things or take her hand for support because a walker is for cripples and the neighbors would talk. And when grandpa died, I had a committment the following Friday that I could not get out of. I asked if the funeral couldn't possibly be on Saturday because I really wanted to attend. But no... that wasn't good enough because Saturday wasn't good for one of the cousins who hasn't seen him in 15 years. His closest granddaughter couldn't come on Friday, but that didn't matter because some cousin he hasn't seen in 15 years wouldn't be able to make it on Saturday. When she did that, I said to myself If that's how you feel about it then when the day comes for your funeral... I'm going to say my goodbyes long distance just as I was forced to do with my grandpa.
But now the day has come. She is with grandpa and her funeral is pending in the next few days. In the years since grandpa died my own parents have had their share of health setbacks. Neither can drive anymore and when the funeral date arrives I am expected to drive them to the services. I'm so very torn. Yes I do love my grandmother and I carry with me many happy memories of her, but I still hold this anger toward her. I know it's selfish of me.
It goes to show you that no matter how deeply you believe in things like unconditional love, there is still hurt in the world. Of course I will go to her funeral and I will miss her and I will love her and I'm so very sad that I could not have been there for her.
You see she lives far from me and my own situation has prevented me from visiting her very much in recent years. Not because I didn't want to, simply because finances haven't been running the right direction to allow such visits. I used to call her every week on the phone and let her know she was loved and catch up on what's going on... but over the years her hearing went from good to bad and she refused to wear the hearing aid because in her mind it made her look bad to the neighbors. So I would call and she would say hello and spend the next three minutes trying to hear who was talking to her. Then she would say good to hear from you and when she thought I had said something she would give a reply like, "Oh, good good." It was sad, but I knew she could no longer hear me over the telephone and it was painful for me to try to talk to her and listen to her pretend that she knew what I said... so I stopped calling.
I've never been a writer, just a card with some news at all the holidays and for her birthday. She would do the same of course, but over the years her hand became weak and it was difficult for her to write.
Why am I sharing this pain with the world? Because I don't want to be one of those people who tells the world that everything is sunny when sometimes you really need a walker or a hearing aid. The world has such potential, but if you take a look around we have so much distance to cover if we are going to find those things that I so deeply know are out there....
I loved her unconditionally and I always will. That is not to say there wasn't pain. My grandma was someone who seemed more worried about what the neighbors thought and what the cousins thought than what her husband, children or grandchildren thought. Possesions were important to her and so were appearances.
I remember when Grandpa became ill and needed a walker to be able to get around. She would not permit it. She said he will have to learn to hang onto other things or take her hand for support because a walker is for cripples and the neighbors would talk. And when grandpa died, I had a committment the following Friday that I could not get out of. I asked if the funeral couldn't possibly be on Saturday because I really wanted to attend. But no... that wasn't good enough because Saturday wasn't good for one of the cousins who hasn't seen him in 15 years. His closest granddaughter couldn't come on Friday, but that didn't matter because some cousin he hasn't seen in 15 years wouldn't be able to make it on Saturday. When she did that, I said to myself If that's how you feel about it then when the day comes for your funeral... I'm going to say my goodbyes long distance just as I was forced to do with my grandpa.
But now the day has come. She is with grandpa and her funeral is pending in the next few days. In the years since grandpa died my own parents have had their share of health setbacks. Neither can drive anymore and when the funeral date arrives I am expected to drive them to the services. I'm so very torn. Yes I do love my grandmother and I carry with me many happy memories of her, but I still hold this anger toward her. I know it's selfish of me.
It goes to show you that no matter how deeply you believe in things like unconditional love, there is still hurt in the world. Of course I will go to her funeral and I will miss her and I will love her and I'm so very sad that I could not have been there for her.
You see she lives far from me and my own situation has prevented me from visiting her very much in recent years. Not because I didn't want to, simply because finances haven't been running the right direction to allow such visits. I used to call her every week on the phone and let her know she was loved and catch up on what's going on... but over the years her hearing went from good to bad and she refused to wear the hearing aid because in her mind it made her look bad to the neighbors. So I would call and she would say hello and spend the next three minutes trying to hear who was talking to her. Then she would say good to hear from you and when she thought I had said something she would give a reply like, "Oh, good good." It was sad, but I knew she could no longer hear me over the telephone and it was painful for me to try to talk to her and listen to her pretend that she knew what I said... so I stopped calling.
I've never been a writer, just a card with some news at all the holidays and for her birthday. She would do the same of course, but over the years her hand became weak and it was difficult for her to write.
Why am I sharing this pain with the world? Because I don't want to be one of those people who tells the world that everything is sunny when sometimes you really need a walker or a hearing aid. The world has such potential, but if you take a look around we have so much distance to cover if we are going to find those things that I so deeply know are out there....
peace ~ love ~ happiness
I love you grandma and I believe that you are now reunited with the bigger picture we call God. And I'm so regretful that I didn't call when I wanted to and try yelling louder so you could hear me and know from my own lips how much you meant to me. I believe you know what is in my heart and now understand all the love and the pain. Perhaps through our experiences, someone else can have the chance to make a different choice.
Remember to be true to yourself and on your last day on earth it's not what the neighbors thought about you, but it's about what you left behind in the hearts and souls of your family and it's about laying in that casket and being able to say you had no regrets.
I love you grandma and I believe that you are now reunited with the bigger picture we call God. And I'm so regretful that I didn't call when I wanted to and try yelling louder so you could hear me and know from my own lips how much you meant to me. I believe you know what is in my heart and now understand all the love and the pain. Perhaps through our experiences, someone else can have the chance to make a different choice.
Remember to be true to yourself and on your last day on earth it's not what the neighbors thought about you, but it's about what you left behind in the hearts and souls of your family and it's about laying in that casket and being able to say you had no regrets.
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